CAPTAIN JACK IS NOT PLEASED WITH CAPTAIN JACK.

[chibi_trillian]

Saw Pirates Part the Third.


Now, I had a lot of issues with this movie. But one thing really pissed me off. Not Will and Mary-Sue Elizabeth's hideously contrived marriage. Not Elizabeth's kiss of death KILLING ALL THE GOOD CHARACTERS WTF. Not the irritating fact that the goddamn bitch didn't die even though I was praying for it the whole movie. Not Jack being overused as himself. Not the deeply unsatisfying taste this movie left in my mouth as I sat and silently longed for the first movie and its snappy dialogue and light, cheerful mood. It had some laughs, the visual effects were excellent, and the costumes were gorgeous, but the first movie was much better.

But the thing that made me spazz, snarl, and bitch the whole way out of the theater was the poor naval warfare tactics, especially in regards to the final ship fight. I'm not talking about the whirlpool. I'm talking about the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman versus the Endeavour.

Now, at the beginning of the fight, the layout of the ships is as follows:



The Endeavour, as far as we can tell from the dialogue, has the weather gauge. This means the wind is at their backs, and they can move much more quickly and freely than the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman. HOWEVER, as Calypso fucked up the weather, the Pearl seems to have help with the wind and the Dutchman moves by supernatural means to start with. This negates the advantage of the weather gauge to a degree. The Flying Dutchman and the Black Pearl are also DESPERATELY outgunned. The Endeavour is a four-decker, from the looks of it, and is bristling with very heavy-poundage guns. Strategy is the only way the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman will win against this ship.

That said, the Endeavour is actually in an extremely unfavorable position. The proverbial checkmate of a naval battle is as follows:



The ONOEShip is in trouble because its bow is facing into the LOLship's broadside. THIS IS BAD. One good shot can crack the keel and send the ship to the bottom, and the ONOEShip can only use a small fraction of its guns. The ONOEShip is presenting a thin profile to the LOLship, but with a crack guncrew all this does is allow them to concentrate their fire. The crews of the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman have proven in the past that they are excellent shots. The Endeavour may have been attempting to cut between them, using the weather gauge to nail both ships at once, like so:



But the Pearl and the Dutchman, as previously mentioned, have supernatural wind aiding them.

That said, what should have happened was:





The Endeavour would have taken two broadsides to the bow. Theoretically, they should have started tacking to attempt to get their broadside around as soon as they realized that the Pearl and the Dutchman were moving faster than they should have been--their broadside is so large that they should have been able to do serious damage to the Black Pearl's aft as it passed. But after two broadsides to the bow, they might well have been sinking anyway.

That said, why did this happen?



This position is suicide. Not for the Endeavour, for the Dutchman and the Pearl. "Durr huur, we're massively outgunned! By a combined factor of about two to one! LET'S GET INTO A DIRECT PISSING CONTEST WITH A FOUR-DECKER!" No, no, NO. BAD IDEA. Both ships should have been raked by the Endeavour's MASSIVE broadside and come away in very bad shape. All the Endeavour had to do was fire, which for some reason, they failed to do. ARG.

Reading the Aubrey/Maturin novels has ruined me for movie ship-fights forever. *sulk*

Comments

[alita-b-angel.livejournal.com]

I know, that annoyed me too, as well as how TWO SHIPS could sail in the OPPOSITE direction of each other, AT THE SAME TIME. Where exactly was the WIND!?

I also don't understand how the cannon balls from the BP and Dutchman didn't hit EACH OTHER, THROUGH the Endeavour. At that range, it could've completely went all the way through. All three should have been smashed to pieces.

I think since POTC gives that no one can fire anything without a main character yelling FIRE, at least three times in a chain means the Endeavour just didn't have the chain of command to... fire. I felt sorry for my navy boys. They had 30 ships to... TWO? at least, and they still ran away. Why for gods sake. Why.

But I still loved the movie.

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

I'm just blaming ALL the wind oxymorons on Calypso. Her fault, she did it all. Yeah. *headdesk*

Srsly. Ships that close, the men aren't waiting for a fire order. They're shooting, Navy discipline or no.

Keeeeerist, watching the armada run like bitches just because their flagship got defeated was embarrassing. Admittedly, the Dutchman turning on them was a serious blow to morale, but still, they had the pirates massively outnumbered and outgunned. There should have been Navy/Indiamen-type pwnage.

Maybe they watched the impossibattle happen in front of them, realized they were the bad guys in this flick, and went, "Well, fuck this. We're gonna lose no matter what."

[alita-b-angel.livejournal.com]

If Calypso was so powerful she wouldn't have made such an ineffective whirlpool.

But NAVY MEN. Maybe they were severely undermanned and all the crew was gathering about Beckett like the diva he is.

I was sad they used Elizabeth as the solution to all their writing problems. Can't figure out why pirates should fight in a battle where they're outnumbered 3 to 1? Throw a hot blonde at them. Can't figure out how to get rid of characters so the focus will be on the love story, hey look, Elizabeth hasn't been doing anything for a while... It got really ridiculous after a while.

I miss Norrington hard. He better be getting the ferrying OF HIS LIFE.

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

Beckett, BTW, should have died shortly after the first few cannonballs hit the Endeavour. The number one cause of death in masted-ship battles is not drowning, shooting, or falls--it's splinters. That flying wood should have split him open like a gutted fish though it did make for very pretty cinematography.

I nearly screamed "SHOOT HER!" out loud twice during the movie. I wanted her dead that badly. And she and Will should never have gotten married--she doesn't deserve him. Their makeup and marriage felt forced. Though oooooooh, the night they got into that fight on the Pearl over her not telling him that she kind of murdered Jack, I was all "YES WILL. NOW GO TO JACK AND LET HIM COMFORT YOU, FOR HE KNOWS OF HER TREACHERY AND WICKEDNESS AND WILL HAVE HEALING COMFORT SEX WITH YOUR POOR EMO UKE SELF." :D

Norrington should join the crew of the Flying Dutchman. Then Will has company for the 9 years and 364 days he can't go on shore. ♥ Yessssssss afterlife slashiness.

[alita-b-angel.livejournal.com]

It was pretty obvious CGI considering the man didn't even blink when splinters should be stabbing his pupils out. Then again, maybe the air on the endeavour is the same air that allows ships to sail where there is no wind.

I liked Elizabeth in this one, better than the first movie actually where I hated her irrationally because I shipped Jack and Will back then. Then of course the Sparrington came along and with Norrington at loose ends, it was a case of YEAY more for ole'Jack. But I have to say I liked her in this movie, more because she didn't get her happy ending, it was entirely bitter sweet and sad. The way I see it, she can have him for the one day in ten years, and Will in his hot little bandana can sail merrily in my head for the rest of the ten years.

Am Never Letting Norrington Go. *sniff*

I've also been making listings of post-awe fics and thoughts :D

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

It was the Mary-Sue factor that made me despise Elizabeth in the second half of the second movie and all of this one. Frankly, I would have liked her more if she and Will had actually admitted that they couldn't trust each other anymore and it was undermining their relationship and they had BROKEN UP. Holy shit, real relationship dynamics in a Disney movie.

Will's proposal actually reminded me of something I've seen before--guy proposes to girl when the relationship starts giving off "DANGER WILL ROBINSON" signs that maybe she's not gonna be The One, because maybe a ring and a promise will fix the emotional problems. It has always, without fail, ended in tears and a broken engagement. Maybe it's best for Will and Elizabeth that they only have to be really married one day a decade and can spend the rest of it thinking of their love in an idealized manner, because their personalities seem to start rubbing each other the wrong way every time I see them together unless they're actively trying to get into each other's pants. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Or maybe Orlando Bloom just makes the kicked-puppy face too often. >>;

Speaking of ten years, man, Elizabeth totally did not look like she was in her late twenties/early thirties in that last scene. Maybe the Dutchman's magic preserved her? *eyeroll*

[talanokomis.livejournal.com]

I think he said 'depends on the day' and took up the day he took over the ship to take her upon shore. Or something. ^^;

I actually never watched the first two, but I was able to enjoy this one - probably because of that. (and because of Chow Yun Fat xD)

I was surprised with the Ship thing too, after all those cannons and no one doing anything. @.@ Someone should have started yelling Fire when Beckers was like 'ohnoes'.

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

No--after the credits, there was a "Ten Years Later" scene with Elizabeth and the kidlet that was, as is proper for a Mary Sue, conceived on their one day of passion a decade before. She doesn't look thirty. Or a day over twenty, actually. The makeup people are slipping.

XD Srsly. Captain's incompetent, first mate takes over. Saves time and lives.

[talanokomis.livejournal.com]

Heh - I was telling my sister as we were leaving - I hope they have a kid or something to take care of the heart. And now I know. D: Poor kid. -_-

[ecphrastic.livejournal.com]

It was totally hilarious how the wind was in everybody's fucking favor. XD They free Calypso and she goes and does inexplicable things like try to kill everybody and yet whore out for them at the same time. The ocean is so complicated. What the hell.

I'm convinced that Beckett is the soul of the Endeavour. Or something. So if he goes into a brain meltdown, muttering "Good business" over and over again under his breath, the Endeavour can't fire because it's also in a deadlock. And then it blows up when he does, whereas he stays completely unscathed in the middle of bits of sharp wood flying everywhere -- I have no idea what I'm talking about. All I know is that it was a really bipolar movie and it would have been improved vastly by the offing of Lizzie.

[tripoverhercats.livejournal.com]

You know, when I saw the Pearl and the Dutchman closing on each other, I was thinking exactly what you demonstrated. Ha! They're both crossing the T on the Endeavour! So much for the British Navy!

Then of course, logic vanished out of the window for cinematics.

A bit dissapointing, yes, but ever since movie one, I decided to let logic and physics take that flying leap, what with all the undead pirates who don't stay dead and fights on waterwheels and toppling ships over using a little back and forth running acorss the decks.

Sigh. You are right, knowledge gets in the way of popcorn enjoyment sometimes.