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chibi_trillianI got to see the Phantom movie yesterday, and it was spoogeworthy. It made me cry near the end, which is a better performance than during the musical, in which I cried for the entire second act. Nyu.
I also got to go to Orpheus for the first time last night. I had a decent time. I was actually bored for the first part of the evening, because I can't dance to save my life. Then the friends I went with pointed out that no one else in the club could either, so I could do my stupid white girl dance if I wanted to. So I did, after being dragged bodily out onto the dancefloor. I no doubt looked like a baka, but I had fun.
I have figured out something in recent days: I am terrified of graduating from college. Graduation means no more college discounts, no more faking my way through a carefree student's life, no more classes, no more hanging out with friends in the Student Union or the Coop, no more stealing high speed internet access from the school's network.
It means I have to network, and schmooze, and lie to people on my resume, just to get a job I'll hate. I can't even write a resume without getting nauseous. I hate lying. I'm bad at talking to strangers. If I want graduate school, I'll have to puzzle out a way to pay for it somehow, then I'll have to work full-time while doing coursework that is harder than anything I've done in college. I'll probably wind up in debt up to my ears (which is something that scares me more than graduation).
I'm going to have to become a responsible, miserable adult. I'll come home at the end of the day mired in the knowledge that, despite all my attempts, I am nothing but a cog in some corporate machine. I'm not ambitious and I hate confrontations, so I'll never get above cog level. I'll eventually lose my job to someone who lies better than me on their resume. I'll go searching for another job, and the cycle will repeat itself, because nice guys and girls always finish last. If you don't fight your way up to the top, you lose as the bottom is cut out from under you because it's more cost-efficient to have one person doing the jobs of ten people sloppily than to have ten people doing their jobs well.
I'm a few months away from graduation, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. Research? Not without a doctorate. Teaching? Maybe high school science in the Baltimore City Public School System, which goes through teachers like popcorn and has some of the worst pay rates and highest student-teacher violence rates in the country.
There are so many things I'm interested in, and they're all out of my reach. I'm too poor and my grades, while high, aren't good enough for med school. I don't want to move. I like the Baltimore area. If I was willing to move to Arizona, I could go to school to become a naturopathic physician. I'm not, and I can't afford it anyway.
I want to travel to Japan, see Europe, go on a road trip--all things that need to be done before I have a job that requires my ass to be in a seat for eight hours a day, five days a week, 52 weeks a year. They're not going to happen. You either do these things in college, or you do them after you retire. You're too poor to do them in college, and too old to enjoy them after you retire.
I spend my days trying to forget these facts by distracting myself with simple amusements. I usually make it most of the day, and then, when I'm trying to go to sleep, I remember and go to sleep miserable, if I can sleep at all.
Maybe I could become a writer. Yeah, right. English skills, while rare enough in the society of AIMspeak and ebonics, do not a writer make. Tiff can write professionally. I can't. I write simple little things that my friends enjoy. I lack the dedication to write novels. My longest short stories are twenty pages, double-spaced. The short story as a paying art form is mostly dead. It's an amusing hobby, nothing more.
In a few months, I will graduate with a BS in Biology. I don't know what the Hell I'll do with it.
I also got to go to Orpheus for the first time last night. I had a decent time. I was actually bored for the first part of the evening, because I can't dance to save my life. Then the friends I went with pointed out that no one else in the club could either, so I could do my stupid white girl dance if I wanted to. So I did, after being dragged bodily out onto the dancefloor. I no doubt looked like a baka, but I had fun.
I have figured out something in recent days: I am terrified of graduating from college. Graduation means no more college discounts, no more faking my way through a carefree student's life, no more classes, no more hanging out with friends in the Student Union or the Coop, no more stealing high speed internet access from the school's network.
It means I have to network, and schmooze, and lie to people on my resume, just to get a job I'll hate. I can't even write a resume without getting nauseous. I hate lying. I'm bad at talking to strangers. If I want graduate school, I'll have to puzzle out a way to pay for it somehow, then I'll have to work full-time while doing coursework that is harder than anything I've done in college. I'll probably wind up in debt up to my ears (which is something that scares me more than graduation).
I'm going to have to become a responsible, miserable adult. I'll come home at the end of the day mired in the knowledge that, despite all my attempts, I am nothing but a cog in some corporate machine. I'm not ambitious and I hate confrontations, so I'll never get above cog level. I'll eventually lose my job to someone who lies better than me on their resume. I'll go searching for another job, and the cycle will repeat itself, because nice guys and girls always finish last. If you don't fight your way up to the top, you lose as the bottom is cut out from under you because it's more cost-efficient to have one person doing the jobs of ten people sloppily than to have ten people doing their jobs well.
I'm a few months away from graduation, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. Research? Not without a doctorate. Teaching? Maybe high school science in the Baltimore City Public School System, which goes through teachers like popcorn and has some of the worst pay rates and highest student-teacher violence rates in the country.
There are so many things I'm interested in, and they're all out of my reach. I'm too poor and my grades, while high, aren't good enough for med school. I don't want to move. I like the Baltimore area. If I was willing to move to Arizona, I could go to school to become a naturopathic physician. I'm not, and I can't afford it anyway.
I want to travel to Japan, see Europe, go on a road trip--all things that need to be done before I have a job that requires my ass to be in a seat for eight hours a day, five days a week, 52 weeks a year. They're not going to happen. You either do these things in college, or you do them after you retire. You're too poor to do them in college, and too old to enjoy them after you retire.
I spend my days trying to forget these facts by distracting myself with simple amusements. I usually make it most of the day, and then, when I'm trying to go to sleep, I remember and go to sleep miserable, if I can sleep at all.
Maybe I could become a writer. Yeah, right. English skills, while rare enough in the society of AIMspeak and ebonics, do not a writer make. Tiff can write professionally. I can't. I write simple little things that my friends enjoy. I lack the dedication to write novels. My longest short stories are twenty pages, double-spaced. The short story as a paying art form is mostly dead. It's an amusing hobby, nothing more.
In a few months, I will graduate with a BS in Biology. I don't know what the Hell I'll do with it.
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What Do You Do With A BS in Bio?
Date: 2005-01-05 04:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-15 05:33 am (UTC)Don't think of it as lying your way it, but saying things that you will one day do. Yeah, adulthood can be harsh, but at least there are some perks in to it. You'll get your own house (or apartment), you'll get to decorate it however you want, you free to do whatever you want. And the places you want to go to so bad, I'm sure there are some internet ticket places that you can find and save up money for. Never live your life with regrets or doubts, casue if you do, you'll never know what could of happened.