Scary!fic...

[chibi_trillian]

In response to a certain pestering person *coughtarvosiocough* I'm posting my Fic of Cathartic-ness +1. 

Saiyuki, mostly Hakkai.  Very short and, IMHO, not very good.

Warnings:  Rated R for, frankly, blatantly suicidal thoughts and actions.  NO, I'm not going to take a flying leap off my balcony; I was just in an odd depression-y mood.

Today, I’m going to do it.

Hakkai’s hand shook.  It always did, when he thought like this, felt like this.  He forced it to be still.  Steady was better for something like this.

Gojyo was going to be gone all day today; he’d made that much clear before he walked out the door.  He’d thought that Hakkai was alright to leave by himself.  The wound in his stomach had healed enough that he could move around a little bit, get his own food, use that bathroom, things like that.

I’m going to join Kanan.

Getting to the kitchen had been agonizingly painful.  He’d had to stop twice on the way to rest.  It occurred to Hakkai that all he had to do to kill himself, really, was a few jumping jacks.  That didn’t seem quite right.

I don’t want to live anymore.

He knew he was being selfish.  Gojyo would be upset, when he came home.  Gojyo had spent good money on medical treatment for a man who didn’t want it.  He’d given up his bed, his privacy, his life, for a man he found in the woods who was broken, inside and out. 

He’ll be better off in the end without me burdening him.

Hakkai renewed his grip on the knife in his hand, and wondered if he should crawl to the bathroom, where there’d be less of a cleanup for Gojyo.  He didn’t think he had the strength.  He slumped to the floor, legs curling under him, and pressed the blade to his throat.  Sharp.  Gojyo did love his blades, even his rarely-used kitchen knives.

I can do it.  It’s easy.  Kanan did it, and so can I.

Hakkai bit his lip.

The front door slammed open.  Gojyo, home hours early.  Hakkai jumped, losing his shaky grip on the knife.  It skittered across the floor and under the refrigerator.

“Hey man, I came home to make sure you hadn’t died on me—hoy, what are you doing so far out of bed?  If I have to call the doctor again, I’m gonna be pissed.”

Hakkai smiled.  He was good at those.  Kanan had told him that he had the most wonderful smile.  Smiling always put Gojyo at ease and made him quit asking questions.

I can wait.  Wait until I’m stronger.  I can go to the place I last saw Kanan, and end it there.  Gojyo will never need to know.

I can wait to die.

Comments

[scribblemoose]

I like this. I can really see it, especially this line:

I can do it. It’s easy. Kanan did it, and so can I.

That's chilling, and so plausible. And just the little hint of a start of how Gojyo will save him. ^___^

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

Wow. Um...thanks. Glad you liked it. It scared me a bit when I read it later.

Gojyo is the glue that holds Hakkai's poor broken heart together...and vice versa. ^_^

[tarvosio.livejournal.com]

. . . and you pester ME to keep writing? Seems to me you're better at it than I am ;p

[chibi-trillian.livejournal.com]

WRITE! *whipcrack*

[alucardblue.livejournal.com]

I don't see what you are talking about, I think this is a good fic. albiet a depressy one, but you already said that.