chibi_trillian

Oh noes! GAFF is down, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going into withdrawal. This is what's making me post this story. I really shouldn't. I don't know how it ends yet.

Series: One Piece
One Piece: Not mine.
Genre: Crack.
Rating: ArrrrR for language and pirates.

Ship’s Medical Log, Tony Tony Chopper recording: With the cooperation and agreement of the rest of the crew, I am going to try to get Sanji to stop smoking. From my admittedly incomplete counts, Sanji smokes in the vicinity of sixty cigarettes a day, and may or may not smoke while sleeping. This is not healthful for him or those around him, so we have hidden his store of cigarettes and will not be permitting him to buy more. It will be hard for him, but he’s strong and he has his well-meaning friends supporting him every step of the way. I’m sure he’ll survive.

****

Sanji flicked the butt of his cigarette overboard. The others had been up to something today, and it concerned him. He hoped it wouldn’t be like the debacle where they had decided to have Ship’s Cook Appreciation Day and surprised him with their own attempts at food while barring him from the kitchen. It had been the most miserable twenty-four hours of his adult life.

When they’d finally let him back into the kitchen, he’d wound up spending five hours cleaning and apologizing individually to each and every one of his pots and pans for allowing them to fall into the hands of rank amateurs. The state of his knives had made him weep like a woman, and, after several hours of agonized deliberation, he’d had to put the pan that Luffy had made an attempt at cake in out of its misery. It had been one of his favorite springforms, too. He’d been inconsolable until Nami-san had given him a quick hug—oh, how tragedy brought out the deepest feelings in everyone! His lovely Nami-san would never allow him to be miserable, even though she was too shy to show her real feelings.

Sanji sighed dreamily and reached for his cigarette case. It popped open to reveal woeful emptiness, with only a few flakes of tobacco clinging to the inside. Time for a refill. Crap. He was going to have to roll more cigarettes soon, and that was an all-afternoon task. Maybe he ought to consider cutting back a bit. Maybe not. He headed for his kitchen and the cabinet in the back that was a small shrine to the joys of nicotine.

Sanji had the vague feeling that people had been in his kitchen. That feeling got considerably less vague when he opened the cabinet and discovered it to be much like his cigarette case—empty and smelling faintly of tobacco. What the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates had been up to abruptly became crystal clear.

Someone was going to pay for this.

****

Ship’s Medical Log, Tony Tony Chopper recording, Day 1 of the Stop Sanji Smoking (SSS) project: Sanji discovered what we had done at approximately two in the afternoon today. He took it…poorly.

****

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY GODDAMN CIGARETTES?!”

“Sanji, calm down—“

“I DON’T WANT TO CALM DOWN! I WANT MY FUCKING CIGARETTES!”

Chopper, supply of courage exhausted by the murderous-looking cook, yelped and fled to hide behind Zoro. Usopp did the same with a bit more urgency—he was the one who had actually made off with the cigarettes and tobacco, mostly because Sanji was unlikely to suspect him. The stolen goods had been given to Nami to hide. She was the only one who knew where they were—a sensible idea, as Sanji would never, ever, EVER hit a woman, even to get his fix.

The male portion of the crew was fair game, though. From how twitchy Sanji had gotten over the past five minutes, the chances of there being major mayhem when his cigarette cravings seriously kicked in was somewhere in the neighborhood of one hundred and twenty percent, by Usopp’s conservative estimate. Hence, Great Captain Usopp was making a strategic advance to the rear, with Zoro as an unwitting tailguard.

Sanji whirled angrily, presumably looking for some sign of guilt or repentance in his comrades. Usopp gulped nervously, glad for Zoro’s large, meaty frame between his head and Sanji’s shoes. Sanji finally stopped, looking half-suspiciously, half-imploringly at Nami. Nami, heartless bitch that she was, just smirked at him and shook her head slowly.

Betrayed by his beloved Nami, Sanji wilted. There was really no other way to describe it—it was like the life force just oozed out of him and left only a hollow, whiny, nicotine-addicted shell behind.

“I’ll cut back, I swear—can I please have a cigarette?” He looked heartily pathetic. Zoro’s shoulders were vibrating with what looked like barely-suppressed laughter.

“No, Sanji-kun.” Nami crossed her arms and contrived to look stern. It wouldn’t have surprised Usopp to know that she was holding back laughter too.

“Just one? To help me get over the shock of my friends betraying me and all.”

“No, Sanji-kun. Cold turkey. No more cigarettes, ever.”

“Never?”

“Never ever.”

“Not even while cooking?”

“No, Sanji-kun. If we said you could smoke while cooking, there’d be no point in trying to make you stop.” The corners of Nami’s eyes kept crinkling up and ruining the grave expression she was trying to maintain.

“Not even while fighting?”

“Especially not while fighting. Imagine the strength you’d have with your full functional lung capacity!”

“Not even after sex?”

The laughter Usopp had suspected exploded out of Nami’s mouth before she could stop it. She was rapidly joined by the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates, because it was pretty damn funny. Even Luffy was laughing his ass off, and he’d been trying really hard to look like an authoritative captain for the duration of this discussion. If Sanji’d had a tail, it would have been firmly between his legs.

Nami finally managed to pull herself together enough to gasp out, “Oh! Oh Sanji-kun, if you can manage to get laid by somebody other than Rosie Palm and her five sisters while we’re out here in the middle of the ocean, I will hand you a cigarette afterwards myself.”

Usopp wondered if he was the only one who saw the dangerous gleam in Sanji’s eye.